Last Friday I went to the stations of the cross on campus. As we were
praying the usual prayers, one line stuck out to me more than any of the
others. It said,
“I love Thee, my beloved Jesus;
I love Thee more than myself;
I repent with my whole heart of having offended Thee.”
Wow.
Well that was like a dagger to my heart. Now on a normal day, I would
have thought nothing of this. To say that I loved God more than myself
was something I could easily do. I mean, it’s obviously true, right?
WRONG.
I sat there and reflected on all of the ways in which
I love myself more than God. It was definitely fresh in my mind because
that day I was wallowing in self-pity about how Lent was almost over
and I had failed at literally every promise that I had made. I realized
that every time I had intentionally looked in the mirror, I was loving
myself more than I was loving God. Not because he cared so much that I
was looking in the mirror, as there is nothing intrinsically wrong
there, but that I was choosing myself over that which I had sacrificed
in his honor.
BUT THERE’S HOPE.
Yes, I failed at everything that I had
intended for this Lent. But it seems that when we try to make our own
plans for anything (but especially Lent), the Lord reminds us that he
knows the lessons we need to learn, and we will learn them in His time.
For me, it was to recognize that the Lord loves me so much not for what I
do or don’t do, but for who I am. He loves me because I am His
daughter, and He created me. This past week he has gifted me with one of
the most intense encounters I have ever had with His mercy. He has
taught me that no matter how many times I fail him, it’s not about me.
It’s about Him. And isn’t that our focus for Lent anyway? It is not to
focus on ourselves, but to meditate on the fact that he suffered and
died out of love for us. His death was a manifestation of the Father’s
mercy.
His death proves that love conquers all.
In Him,
Clarissa
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