Junior year of high school. Twenty days til prom. Let the dress-hunt begin.
In our pursuit of collecting different ridiculous dresses, Geri came across a soft green, A-line dress with an empire waist and a beautiful, sheer, black over lay. The dress was stunning. It was my size, so she added it to the stack I had waiting for me in the dressing room to try on.
After Geri and I tried on the gaudy, fun, crazy dresses and modeled them for each other, I finally gave the green dress a go. I put it on and walked out. It fit perfectly. The dress was beautiful - it was elegant, classy and yet flattering. And it reminded me of a dress from the movie Titanic (which was big at the time…yes, I know, I just dated myself…). I looked at myself in the mirror and just felt…beautiful.
Geri kept affirming me as I turned, getting a view of the back of the dress. "You should get this dress! It really looks great on you!” I was getting excited – had I found my dress?!
But the moment was shattered when I looked down at the price tag dangling by my arm.
Ugh.
I knew that there was no way I could afford it on my own. I didn't want to ask my parents to get it for me. I just didn't want to go there. I figured they wouldn’t get it for me anyway. So in my attempt to console myself knowing that I would have to put this perfect dress back on the rack, I convinced myself that buying it was superfluous and superficial and that was that.
But Geri kept encouraging me just to call my dad and ask him if he would buy it for me or at least help me pay for it. I refused because I had already resigned myself to the fact that my dad would not get it for me. Geri was very persistent and just to appease her (and to prove that I was right), I called my dad and asked about the dress. To my surprise, there was no hesitation in his voice when he responded with, "Of course I will get the dress for you."
What.
I was dumbfounded. I was taken aback. Did I hear correctly? Did he just say he’d buy the dress for me? Did I call the right number?
As I stood in silence, the phone still at my ear, I stared at myself in the mirror with a deer-in-the-headlights look. I was in shock. Then I saw a knowing smile creep up on Geri’s face. She knew all along. She knew. She had no doubt of his unprecedented love.
It was in that moment that I realized I didn’t know the extent of my father’s love. Instead, I put limits and qualifications on it. My track record was to feel guilty when he'd spend money on me and I often tried to deny him the opportunity to do so (much to his frustration!). So much for receiving love, right?
But something happened in that moment. I realized that in his generosity and love, my dad wanted to give me the desire of my heart - even as something as small as a prom dress - and I was ready to forget the whole thing because I was sure he would deny me anyway. I didn't know the extent of my father's love for me - I didn't let myself know it. Instead, I put his love in a box.
Isn’t this how we can be with God the Father? Putting limits on His love – keeping His love in a box. Not letting Him lavish His unique love on us in unexpected (and expected) ways because we don’t want to be disappointed? Or because we feel we have to earn it; we have to be “good enough,” pray more, or “be better” to even qualify for it?
But if we are to live our vocation as daughter of the Father, it is key to let ourselves be loved by Him.
Challenging? Yes.
But truly transforming.
I still remember my parents on prom night, waiting for me to come downstairs. As I walked down the stairs in my green dress with my hair done up, I saw the look on my father's face. I’ll never forget it.
It was a look of pride; a look of love; a look of joy.
I felt loved. I felt captivating. I felt beautiful and "worth it". There was a communication between my dad and me in that moment that surpassed words. It’s moments like those – wordless moments, where there is just an exchange of giving and receiving love – it is those moments that help me realize that letting myself be loved and receiving love as a gift is definitely worth it. By receiving his love, I let the truth penetrate my heart. The truth that his fatherly love is unconditional, unprecedented, will never fail nor run out, and generously overflowing. No matter if I "feel" like I deserve it or not. That is the beauty of our Heavenly Father's love too. It is not something that has to be earned. That is foundational to know as we build on the truth of living our vocation as daughter.
So did I need the dress to feel loved and beautiful? No, I knew my dad's love was deeper than the fact that I was beautifully done up or was wearing a flattering dress. But what did him purchasing the dress enable? It enabled me to see the look in his eye as I walked down the stairs - the look of being delighted in; the look of joy he had because of me; the look of being deeply loved just for being me. And that triggered something in my heart about the truth of love.
I know it sounds crazy, and you may be thinking, "Come now, Sister, really? All that because your dad got you what you wanted?"
But that's the point - it wasn't the dress itself or me getting what I wanted. It was that through buying the dress, I allowed my dad the opportunity to manifest his unique love for me and for me to receive it as such.
I realized through this incident how often I miss those wordless moments with our Heavenly Father where He affirms my beauty and uniqueness…and all because I put His love in a box, refusing to receive His love…denying Him even the opportunity to do so…
-1Jn3:1
-Sr. Elizabeth, TOR
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