When I was in the third grade, I told everyone I was going to be a nun. Not because I felt any real calling to it, but I believed the boys in my class were so weird I couldn’t imagine marrying one of them. As I grew older and realized how many other men there were in the world besides the ones I went to school with, I changed my mind and decided I actually was going to be married one day. The past couple years were dotted with moments of sheer panic, I would get myself so worked up at times, my mind would howl, “I’M NOT IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP I’M GOING TO DIE AN OLD MAID MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IT TICKING I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!?!?!???”
I’m nineteen.
In the back of my mind I knew I was being ridiculous, but that didn’t stop me from torturing myself with these despairing thoughts. This past year, I made a commitment to myself to focus on a more intimate relationship with Jesus. It was an extremely interesting and fruitful experience, one that is still ongoing and will continue for the rest of my life if I allow it to. Every day I would recount in my head the ways He loved me and I would try to release worries and troubles into His care with as much trust as I could give. I realized the truth in how important it is to have a sturdy relationship with God before entering into a relationship with others. If I can’t love someone who is Love, Perfection, Goodness, Truth, and everything wonderful and who loves me so deeply, so passionately, so perfectly- if I’m afraid of that relationship, then how can I truly love someone who is flawed and imperfect and will at some point or another hurt me due to his human flaws?
So as the year progressed and I felt myself loving God in a way I hadn’t before, a thought began to creep into my mind…..
“Wait….I think I love God…..DOES THAT MEAN I’M SUPPOSED TO BE A NUN???!?!?!?!?”
Once again I drove myself to confusion with this sudden clash of vocations. I couldn’t decide if it was God calling me or if it was just me panicking and dragging the thought back through my mind. Though I had told myself that I was “open” to whatever God wanted, the thought of a different vocation, something different than what I planned, caused me a good deal of stress.
It took me a couple months to really realize that no matter what our vocation is, we are always called to love Christ passionately. Once I confirmed this truth in my heart, the hysteric thoughts melted away, and I felt peace. The other day one of my friends asked me if I was planning on getting married, and for one of the first times in my life, I couldn’t answer either way, I was at a loss for words. In a way I felt like it wasn’t my place to say, there’s still this degree of uncertainty of what He has planned for me. But I do know that He will Love me, and with His grace, I will be able to love Him back. And if Christ does have a husband waiting for me somewhere, I know that my ability to love him will increase as my love for my God deepens. And if God is calling me to join a religious order or to remain single, then my relationship is on the right track already. Any time spent strengthening your relationship with God is never wasted time. He’s not only the Love of our lives, He’s the Love in our lives. The commandment says, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, body, and soul.” The phrase “but only if you’re going to be a nun” is not an attached disclaimer.
Want to talk more about vocations?
Does the thought of vocations stress you out?
Whether you feel like you know your vocation or not, this is an event for YOU!
Join us for a relaxing afternoon that will include:
- A talk on Redefining Vocations
-Testimonies
-Refreshments/CHOCOLATE
-A Raffle
-Fun!
Sunday, November 13 · 1:00pm - 3:00pm in the International Lounge in the J.C. Williams Center | |
| It's going to be awesome! | |
Jenny
Jenny, you captured this struggle perfectly! Thanks so much for sharing!
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