Dear sisters,
I’m not sure about you but at this point in the semester I’m
tired. This week especially has been
one where I feel like I can’t get off the “strugglebus” no matter what I do. In
fact, on Tuesday morning I think I could go so far as to say that I was
riding the “hot mess express” when I was full-out weeping (snot and all) and it
wasn’t even 8am yet.
This may just be wishful thinking on my part, but I’m
willing to bet that I’m not the only passenger on the “strugglebus” or the “hot
mess express” right now which is why I felt compelled to address this topic
this week.
I know that this weird combination of emotion and stress
inside me can be summed up in one word: weariness. Ladies, I’m tired and nothing I do seems to be able
to give me rest.
This weariness is apparently written all over my face
because people keep asking me, “Are you alright?” to which I reply, “I’m fine.
I’m just really busy right now.”
Busy. We’re all busy. We’ve got stuff to do, places to go,
and people to meet with. Many of us even like
to be busy. We feel accomplished because we’re doing all of this stuff.
The world even tells us that being busy is what it takes to succeed in life.
Just look at the word “business” and how close it is to “busyness.” The
dominant message the world sends is that you
are what you do. Your worth, as a person, comes from your work.
Now if you’re a typical Franciscan student you look at that
statement and go: whoa, that’s wrong, Catholics don’t believe that crazy stuff!
But that doesn’t mean that we don’t fall for it, either.
You see, we tend to think that as long as the things we do
are good “Franny” things, we can’t possibly be falling for the lie that our
worth comes from what we do. After all, the busyness we have comes from that
fact that we picked up an extra theology class this semester, are leading a
mission team, attend all of our household commitments, are covering a friend’s
holy hour at the Port, and are still managing to get to daily mass. #AmIRight?
Even doing all of these objectively good things makes us
feel weary and crave rest. Yet rest is the one thing that seems to elude me. To
put it simply, both my body and my soul are restless.
It is important now to make a distinction. Restlessness can
be thought of in two senses, neither of which is incorrect. The first is expressed
by St. Augustine when he famously wrote, “Lord, our hearts are restless until they
rest in you.” There is a very real sense that our hearts will always be
in a state of restlessness until we get to Heaven because our hearts were made
for God and will not be satisfied until we are united with Him. In this sense,
restlessness is a positive good that can bring us closer to the Lord.
The second sense of restlessness is much more negative and
it is the one we associate with weariness. In fact, it is caught up in a very
deadly sin. Of the seven “deadly” sins, (lust, greed, wrath, pride, envy,
gluttony, and acedia) Acedia is one that does not seem to get the attention it
demands. You probably have heard acedia translated as sloth but this does very little justice to acedia because we tend
to associate sloth with laziness.
Now surely the Franciscan student that is weary and restless
because they have many ministries, commitments, and devotionals is not
suffering from the sin of sloth (acedia)?
But they are.
But they are.
You see, acedia is not so much the refusal to do something. This is laziness. Rather,
acedia is the refusal to be
something. Specifically, it is the refusal to be oneself. When one is
caught in the sin of acedia they often feel restless.
So why do we feel restless when we become busy? I think it
goes beyond just “not getting enough rest.” I think the sin of acedia seeps in
when I become busy because the first things I tend to drop when I’m busy are
the things that are most connected with my identity as a person. I consider
these to be things like prayer, sleep, exercise, healthy food, time spent
outdoors, time with friends, phone calls home, or moments of creation (i.e. drawing,
writing, crocheting, crafting, etc. pretty much anything where I take time to
personally connect with beauty).
This is what was happening with me this past week. I was spending so much time in the “intellectual la-la land” of studying and homework that I became disconnected from the world around me and from myself. And it was miserable. Why? Because I’m a part of this world and when I refuse to interact with it in any way I’m refusing to be myself!
So how can we choose
to be ourselves? The simple answer is to choose to be who God created us to
be. Below I have listed some ideas for what this may look like practically:
Go to Confession.
Seriously. When we walk out of Confession we are as pure and holy as Adam and
Eve were before the Fall. THIS is who God created you to be. This is who you are. All that sin that you carry around
is just a shell. It’s not you. So stop refusing to be yourself and go to
Confession!
Take time for
personal prayer. This is not Mass. This is not household commitment. This is
not a Rosary, a guided mediation, or spiritual reading. This is you talking with
Jesus, one-on-one candidly about stuff. You are a personal being so be yourself
and speak person-to-person with the Lord. I find it helpful to pray out loud to
ensure that I’m not mentally dozing. It is also important to listen to the Lord
after you have shared your heart with Him, so it might be helpful at this time
to read Scripture or another spiritual book. (A Note: I’m not saying Mass,
household commitments, the Rosary, etc. are not good things. By all means, DO
THESE THINGS. But also take time to share your thoughts with the Lord in a less
formal way.)
Take time to go to
Mass. It is crucial to connect with the Lord in a spiritual way
through prayer but we are not just spiritual creatures! We are also material creatures
and we need to connect with the Lord in material ways as well. There is no
better way to do this than to receive the Eucharist and the other graces that
go along with the Mass.
Connect with people.
After the Eucharist and the other sacraments, interacting with others is the
best way to connect with God because each person is made in God's image and likeness. Also, God created us to connect with other people
because he made us social creatures. Hug people. Look into their eyes. Call your
friends and family from home. The point is to reach out and let your being “touch”
theirs in some way. Even if you are an introvert like me you need to be social
to be a healthy, happy person!
Connect with real things. Get out of the library,
out of your books, and off your laptop and go interact with creation in some
way. This might mean eating an apple while sitting on the grass and watching a
sunset. It might mean creating something new and beautiful through a craft or
art. This might even mean doing laundry or cleaning your room. You are a
material being and are part of creation so choose to embrace that aspect of yourself!
Critically
self-assess. This one is difficult but so crucial. When we become
overwhelmed with “stuff” the solution may not be as simple as rescheduling or spending
more time taking care of ourselves. The truth is, if you find that there are literally not enough hours in the day to
get everything done, something has to go. There are certain things that can’t
go like class, Mass, prayer, meals, exercise, sleep, household commitments, and
social “down” time. But there are some things that can. Write out everything you are involved with within
a typical week (I’m talking ministries, class, sleeping, showers, social media.
If you do it, write in down) Next, write out how many hours a week those things
require in order to give them the time and attention they demand and in order
to maintain your health and well-being. When you’re done with this add up all
the hours and see how many it comes to. Just a hint, there are only 168 hours
in a week. If your number far exceeds this, something has to go.
Remember, the Lord did not create you to just be a
productive worker, even if the work you are doing is for Him. He doesn’t value
you simply as a means to His end of evangelization, love, or ministry. He sees you as the end.
The Lord once said to St. Teresa of Avila, “I would create
the universe again just to hear you say you love me.”
He says the same thing to you. He would create the universe
again, stop time, and even die on a cross just to hear you say you loved Him. When
this is the case can we really justify getting caught in our busyness and
worldly “stuff” so much that we can’t stop for a few moments to say we love Him?
Can we justify not choosing rest because we refuse to let Him rest in us?
The truth is we can’t justify it, but we can still choose
it.
I invite you to choose to be yourself instead.
In the Fire of His Love,
Alyssa
*********************
Alyssa is a sophomore studying Humanities and Catholic Culture,
Theology, and Philosophy. She is a native of Texas where she lives with
her family in a blue-roofed house on top of a hill. She is passionate
about the Truth of the Lord's Incarnation and loves spending time
discovering and discussing ways in which others have incarnated the
Gospel in film, history, literature, politics, and art. Her favorite
saints are St. Teresa of Avila and St. Catherine of Siena because they
both personify St. John Paul II's "feminine genius" in her mind. 
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