A Note to Single Catholic Women about the Tragedy of Our Generation

This blog post goes out to all those single Catholic women who are striving for sainthood, practicing chastity, reading Theology of the Body, and waiting for the right guy (or just any guy really) to come along and pursue your heart. Yes, you’re single, and yes, you’re a little bitter about it. You’ve definitely spent a conversation or two complaining to your closest female friends about how all the Catholic men must be blind because there’s no other explanation for why there are so many beautiful, funny, smart, and holy women that have never once been asked out by a man! And, I regret to admit, we tend to view this entire situation in which we find ourselves to be a tragedy.

But I read something this summer that challenged this perception I had of myself as some tragic heroine alone and suffering because the corrupt culture has made all the good men too cowardly to pursue women’s hearts. Gertrude von le Fort in her book “The Eternal Woman” says that, “Our period sees the unmarried woman…as something tragic” and I think that statement rings true with many unmarried Catholic women. But to give some context to what von le Fort is saying one has to realize that she is writing after World War I during which almost an entire generation of young men died in battle, leaving a large number of young women unable to get married, though they might have wanted to.

But von le Fort disagrees with the belief that this generation of unmarried women was something “tragic.” She says that “The one whom we negatively call the unmarried woman is in a positive sense the virgin.” Now, a statement like that needs a bit more explanation to pull out the full meaning of what she’s trying to say. She is saying, essentially, that when we refer to single women as “single” or “unmarried” we are defining them negatively by what they lack (i.e. a husband). A fuller understanding of who these women really are comes only when we define them positively not by what they lack but by what they have, and this is their virginity.

Now I recognize that in our culture today it seems problematic to claim that all unmarried women are virgins because not all unmarried women are virgins in a physical sense. But it’s important to remember how Sacred Scripture defines virginity. 1 Corinthians 7:34 says, “The virgin is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about worldly affairs.” The difference between a virgin and a married woman to St. Paul is not some physical condition but a spiritual one. The virgin is anxious about the affairs of the Lord in a way that a married woman is not.

What do we learn from this? Mainly that all single women are called to embrace their identity as virgins and this is possible even if they have already “lost their virginity” because of how the Lord defines virginity spiritually.

But back to Gertrude von le Fort. She claims that the unmarried woman is not tragic precisely because she is a virgin. So what’s the big deal about being a virgin? Well, von le Fort says, “From dogma, history, saga, and art, the idea of virginity emerges, not as a condition or a tragedy, but as a value and power.” Christianity proclaims the value of virginity by placing the title “Virgin” next to the title of “Mother” in Mary’s name. Mary’s perpetual virginity along with her being the Mother of God are both protected and cherished dogmas of our faith. But even pre-Christian people understood the inherent dignity and value of virgins by upholding virginal goddesses like Athena, Diana, or Minerva or saying that it was only a virgin (or her spilt blood) that could break curses and avert magical spells away from an entire people.

Unfortunately, we live in a world that has completely eliminated the profound reverence that once existed for the virgin. Now, to be a virgin is seen as a horrible condition that one must throw away at the soonest possible moment. In a culture that additionally has eliminated the reverence it once had for motherhood, women are the clear losers, for their inherent dignity is not recognized in either state of life.

While our faith has done a good job of exalting motherhood (as is should) in response to this culture of death, we can sometimes exalt being a wife and mother to the point that not being those things (i.e. being an unmarried woman) is somehow viewed as “tragic.” And thus, the phenomenon of a generation of single Catholic women that views their situation to be a tragic one.

But here’s the real truth: The tragedy of our age is not a generation of single Catholic women. In fact, virginity is the vocation of EVERY woman. This virginal vocation isn’t changed or negated when a woman gets married, but rather fulfilled. Likewise, if a woman enters religious life her virginal vocation becomes a consecrated one. But to think that you are somehow “vocation-less”, even temporarily, if you are not married or a consecrated religious is simply not true. We don’t just sit around and hope that one day God will hit us on the head with our vocation; we have a vocation (or call) right now, and as single women that vocation is a virginal one.

Gertrude von le Fort is adamant that virginity is not a temporary condition lacking fulfillment but is “complete” within itself. She says that “the Church affirms that the virgin is as one destined to be a bride, but she does not see her only at the side of a man.” Even though “expectant bride” is one aspect of virginity, it is not her full significance. More significantly the virgin, as she stands alone “like the solitary flower of the mountains, far up at the fringe of eternal snows, that has never been looked upon by the eye of man”, reveals the “ultimate value of the individual as such, a value not justified by mere human qualities.”

Von le fort continues, “The virgin proclaims that the creature has significance, but only as a glow from the eternal radiance of the Creator. [She] stands at the margin of the mysteries of all that is apparently wasted and unfulfilled…she stands at the brink of all that has seemingly failed. Her inviolability, which, if it be purity, always includes a depth of pain, denotes the sacrifice that is the price for the insight into the immortal value of the person. This explains why the liturgy always places the virgin beside the martyr, who bears witness to the absolute value of the soul.”

But here it is important to make a clear distinction: the virgin is exalted with the martyr because both proclaim the “ultimate value of the individual as such.”  But we must remember that martyrs are not tragic figures even though they suffer greatly. Likewise, the virgin is also not a tragic figure, though her very existence will always include the “depth of pain” von le Fort mentions. Thus, while the virgin herself may not be a tragic figure she stands on the “margins” and “brink” of tragedy. She witnesses the tragedy and suffers the depth of pain in her heart, but it is never her virginity that is tragic.

What, then, is the tragedy?

I believe that the true tragedy of our age is not a multitude of single Catholic women but rather a generation of spiritually dead "Catholic" men. 

Now, I am speaking in broad generalities here. It would be ignorant (and a bit bitter) to claim that there are no good young men striving for holiness that are willing to ask women out (even though it may sometimes feel this way!). But, on the whole, we are experiencing an age where men are leaving the Church in droves, and the vast majority of those that remain are only engaged minimally (for more information and statistics supporting these claims please check out The New EMANgelization website found here). Now, I don’t know about you, but these are not the types of men that the typical novena-saying, TOB-reading, and chastely-living woman typically finds attractive. Not to mention, this woman is typically not viewed as being very attractive (at least by a worldly standard) to the average minimally engaged “Catholic” man. And herein lies the tragedy.

After WWI the tragedy for Gertrude von le Fort was not that a generation of women would have to remain unmarried virgins; it was that a generation of men had perished on the field of battle. This was the true tragedy. 

Yes, as a single Catholic woman I often feel deep within my heart the loss of a generation of true men. But the question I must ask myself is "For whose sake am I feeling this loss? For my own or for these men?" 

Because in a tragedy, it is not those left standing onstage at the end of a play that are considered "tragic"; it is those who have perished during the play, either due to circumstance or their own misguided actions. Likewise, the tragic characters of our generation are the men, and as the survivors left standing we should be struck by how unnecessary and truly tragic their spiritual death has been. 

So I implore you, pray for this generation of men and offer up your sufferings for them. The Catholic Church has always taught that our prayers for the dead are efficacious. So too are our prayers for the "spiritually dead." 

And here's the other thing about being a Christian: tragic stories are always given "comedic" ends. In a plot twist that no one saw coming, a Man who had suffered a terrible death and lain in a tomb for three days burst forth to new life. Just as in comedy, the story ends with a joyful wedding and celebratory feast, with the Divine Bridegroom wedding his human Church and offering his own Flesh to be the food at the table. 

Just because there is a tragic generation of spiritually dead men doesn't mean that this is how the story ends. The dead can come back to life through the divine power, love, and mercy of God. 

Think of the example of Lazarus. Jesus raised this dead man back to life. But remind yourself why. It was because Martha ran eagerly out to Jesus to beg for his intervention. She knew that if anyone could raise Lazarus from the dead it was Christ, not herself. And yet, even though the power was from God, it was begged for by a human woman. And God heard the cry of the grieving woman, wept himself for the tragic loss she brought before Him, and answered her prayer. 

Ladies, this is what we are to do. I have heard St. Martha described as a patroness of Hope because of how she responded to the tragic death of Lazarus. Like her, we too are called to be women of Hope even when facing the tragedy of the spiritual death of our generation of men. You, as a woman, cannot save them; but God can, and he wants you to beg him to do so with sweat and tears and eager longings. 

God told St. Catherine of Siena that her tears and eager desire for the salvation of souls could bind Him like a chain. This is the power God gives us as women. Use it! The Enemy wants you to take the pain and loss you feel in your heart and wallow in your own self-pity, becoming consumed in a view of yourself as a tragic figure. Don't allow the Evil One to have this power over you! Rather, have pity on your brothers and bring the tragedy of their spiritual death before God with eager desires for their conversion and resurrection. God has promised to have mercy on the human race despite its sin and imperfection. Remind Him of his promise. Do you want to be women of strength and power? Embrace the strength and power God has given you! He has given us strength to suffer and power to petition Him. So accept your sufferings and lay them at his feet, petitioning Him for the salvation you wish your brothers to have. 

St. Catherine was the quintessential "single Catholic woman", unmarried yet not a religious. Did she wallow in self-pity at the "tragedy" of her virginity? No! She had souls to save, recognizing that the true tragedy of her age was a generation of spiritually dead priests, bishops, cardinals and popes. So she prayed, and fasted, and offered her sufferings to God for their sake. And you know what? He listened to her and answered her prayers. Men condemned to die for the grave crimes they had committed converted at the last hour and entered the Kingdom of Heaven because of her witness and prayer. Be that woman like St. Catherine. 

I said earlier that the blood of a virgin was believed by the pagans to be powerful enough to save an entire civilization. Likewise, the sufferings of the Catholic virgin also have the power to save her entire generation when she brings her petitions to the Lord and unites her sufferings with the sufferings of Christ on the cross. 

Having told you this I end with only one question: What are you waiting for?

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Alyssa is a Junior studying Humanities and Catholic Culture, Theology, and Philosophy. She is a native of Texas where she lives with her family in a blue-roofed house on top of a hill. She is passionate about the Truth of the Lord's Incarnation and loves spending time discovering and discussing ways in which others have incarnated the Gospel in film, history, literature, politics, and art. Her favorite saints are St. Teresa of Avila and St. Catherine of Siena because they both personify St. John Paul II's "feminine genius" in her mind.