Broken Love

“Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” -1 Cor 13:5,7

Have you ever encountered someone who was really hard to love? Who kept you at arms’ length no matter how much you tried to love them?

Sisters, there’s someone like that in my life right now. Our sweet Lord has very clearly brought this person into my life for me to love in a special way, but that’s not always easy.

And you know why? Because she’s broken.

And often, loving people who are really broken brings out our own brokenness.

All too often, I want to quit. Give up. Throw in the towel. Lord, I can’t. I know you asked me to love her, but she won’t let me in. and when she does, she pushes me away again. It’s just too hard to love her.

And then I realize: what if the person that loved me at my most broken had said that same thing about me? What if my fear of being hurt and my hardness of heart had deterred her from loving me? What if she had chosen to throw in the towel instead of pursue me with that relentless love?

If she had done any of those things that I’m so tempted to do now, I would still be a broken, empty, hard woman.

Love bears all things, sisters, even the most broken things. Real love does not insist on its own way or its own timing, but rather, as Winnie the Pooh says, “Love is taking a few steps backward, maybe even more…to give way to the happiness of the person you love.”

Maybe sometimes in love, we need to step back from what we think love should be in order to realize what love really is.

Love is messy. And painful. And honestly, quite heartbreaking.

But more than all of that, love is a choice. A choice to will the good of the other person despite what might be easiest for us.

Sometimes that choice means that we have to confront our own brokenness. Sometimes it means that we have to keep going when we want to give up. Sometimes it means that we have to bear some pretty heavy stuff. Sometimes it means that we have to allow our own hearts to be broken. But always it means that we will find that all the brokenness we had to face was worth it.

Lord, cast out any fear of painful love that exists in our hearts. Root up our own ideas of what love should be and reveal to us what it actually is. Help us to meet the brokenness of others with the love with which you met us. When we are confronted with our own brokenness, help us to rejoice rather than to hide. Increase in us the virtue of ardent charity, that we may love each person we meet with Your love and not with our own.

Happy Lord's Day: Glory and Suffering

James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to Jesus and said to him,

"Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you." 

He replied, "What do you wish me to do for you?" 

They answered him, "Grant that in your glory

we may sit one at your right and the other at your left." 

Jesus said to them, "You do not know what you are asking. 

Can you drink the cup that I drink

or be baptized with the baptism with which I am baptized?" 

They said to him, "We can." 

Jesus said to them, "The cup that I drink, you will drink,

and with the baptism with which I am baptized, you will be baptized;

but to sit at my right or at my left is not mine to give

but is for those for whom it has been prepared." 

When the ten heard this, they became indignant at James and John. 

Jesus summoned them and said to them,

"You know that those who are recognized as rulers over the Gentiles

lord it over them,

and their great ones make their authority over them felt. 

But it shall not be so among you.

Rather, whoever wishes to be great among you will be your servant;

whoever wishes to be first among you will be the slave of all. 

For the Son of Man did not come to be served

but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Mk 10:35-45

I am the ten. If someone were to have the gall to ask for such a favor from the Lord Himself, my first reaction would be annoyance, too. James and John exhibited incredible boldness, to the point of irrationality. Jesus had just predicted his Passion for the third time, and yet James and John immediately ask to “sit one at your right and the other at your left” without hesitation. 

I wonder if James and John knew that to do so would mean enduring a thousand sufferings, exercising obedience even until death. Based upon Jesus’ response, it seems as though the brothers sought only the glory of the Lord; they failed to recognize the responsibility and suffering that were required of them to earn such a reward. 

Yet even more astounding to me than the blind request of the brother disciples was the reaction of the other ten. They, too, had heard Jesus predict his Passion. They, too, chose to ignore his suffering and focus instead on the glory  for which James and John had so boldly asked. They became jealous, perhaps, of the two brothers who thought they were so close with Jesus to ask to dwell in eternal glory with him. 

I pray that God would give me the grace to beg so ardently for suffering, even when I know the intensity of that suffering. I do not think that the disciples intended to beg for suffering, but Jesus offers it to them nonetheless: “The cup that I drink, you will drink, and with the baptism with which I am baptized, you will be baptized.” 

A heart of the world rejects suffering. Too often, I find myself avoiding even the tiniest displeasure; I tend to have that worldly heart. This summer, I begrudgingly read St. Thérèse’s autobiographical Story of a Soul. I was shocked by her desire for suffering and by her writings, which inextricably intertwined love and suffering. She says: 

Do not believe that you can love without suffering, without suffering a great deal... It is our poor nature that is there! And it is not there for nothing! ... This is our wealth, our livelihood! ... It is so precious that Jesus came to our earth in order to make it his own. Let us suffer bitterly, without courage! "Jesus suffered with sadness! And without sadness does the soul suffer!?" And we would like to suffer generously, nobly!... Celine! What an illusion! that would be!" (LT 89, 26. April, 1889)

Not only are we opposed to suffering, wishing to surpass it in favor of glory; we allow ourselves to suffer only when we suffer “nobly,” that is, without complaint and with courage. How silly are we in the eyes of Jesus! Like James and John, we want only the rewards of suffering. We fail to recognize the suffering itself as the means by which we can climb to Heaven. 

Just prior to this Gospel, Jesus called his disciples together to tell them that “[T]he Son of Man will be handed over to the chief priests and the scribes, and they will condemn him to death and hand him over to the Gentiles who will mock him, spit upon him, scourge him, and put him to death, but after three days he will rise.” The disciples did not desire condemnation, mockery, ridicule, scourging, and death. In their shortsightedness and humanity, they did not see the merits of suffering because it is painful. Through Jesus’ pain, however—in Jesus’ moment of ultimate defeat—he redeemed the world. 

He wishes for us to participate in his suffering so that we might know life in him. 

When we reject suffering, we reject all that follows. What a gift it is to be able to participate in his suffering so that he might transform us! 

Deliver me, Jesus, from the desires for earthly glory and material success. Help me to choose to suffer, not in vain, but alongside you on the cross. Transform my heart in suffering and grant me peace and joy in your name. Amen. 

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Rebecca Vodola is a sophomore English major and an intent to Totus Tuus Maria household. She hails from Connecticut, where she enjoys hiking with her family. Rebecca loves drinking tea, carrying on Italian family traditions, going to morning Mass, and reading. Her favorite books include The Phantom Tollbooth, the Harry Potter series, The Book Thief, and Hard Times, but she reads anything and everything, including receipts on the kitchen table. Some of her favorite saints are St. John Paul II, St. Kateri Tekakwitha, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, and Our Lady Undoer of Knots. Rebecca learns more about our beautiful Catholic faith each day. You can find out more about her here. 

His Gaze

I think all of us have probably experienced, at one point or another, being in the presence of another who, we feel, can “look right into our soul.”  They seem to be able to, in one glance, uncover and know what is going on within us…and depending on who that person is in relation to us, it could produce feelings from comfort and belonging to unease and fear.  

As I sat with this Sunday’s Scripture readings, this is what came to me.  This week’s Gospel account from Mark (http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/101115.cfm), the story of the rich young man, is one that I’m sure we’re all very familiar with, and can teach an infinite amount of lessons.  What I noticed this time, though, is that THREE times throughout the story, we’re told that Jesus looks at someone.  The first time, His gaze is directed toward the young man who desires to inherit eternal life; twice after that, Jesus looks at His disciples before addressing them.  And it made me stop and think, what would this gaze look like?  Do I stop long enough to remember that I am always in His gaze?  What do I see, and “hear,” from finding myself in His gaze?  After sitting with these questions, I came away with a few random musings, which I share here. 

First, in considering His gaze at the young man: Jesus looks at him, loves him, and then speaks to him.  Do I let myself be confronted by this truth before I speak to the Lord, or before I open myself to hearing Him?  St. Ignatius of Loyola, as he instructs us in coming before the Lord for a time of prayer, counsels us to first “raise [our] mind and think how God our Lord is looking at [us].”  This step is so simple, but so important!  Before we can receive anything or speak anything back to the Lord, it’s crucial to remember who it is that is that we’re addressing….and that before anything else, He is looking on us with LOVE. 

Once I do this, and let myself rest in the truth of who is gazing upon me (LOVE Himself), and how He is gazing upon me (with LOVE), then I’m able to more fruitfully receive whatever it is He might want to speak to me.  And to look back at this particular example of the young man: Our Lord gives him a difficult message!  “Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said to him, “You are lacking in one thing….”  Jesus loved him enough to tell him where he was lacking – to tell him where he needed conversion so as to be able to be the person Jesus knew he could be.  Sometimes it’s hard to receive a word of truth from the Lord!  But if we remember that it’s coming from Love Himself, it can help make something that might be bitter to receive, a bit lighter and sweeter.  And Christ, when He challenges us, always does so with LOVE.  His voice is convicting, not condemning; inviting, not accusing.  That gaze is penetrating, and can convict us of areas of sin, always with a voice of love, mercy, and compassion.   A voice that does not have these things is not the Lord’s voice.  (side note: this is why it can be helpful to talk to a spiritual director, confessor, or trusted and mature friend when we’re having trouble discerning the Lord’s voice) 

Another thing about His gaze…it can be uncomfortable!  He knows everything about us, and this can be hard!  I’m going to use an illustration from a favorite story of mine, The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis.  As many of you are probably familiar with, Aslan, the great Lion, is representative of Christ throughout the story.  In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, four children stumble into the magical world of Narnia, and encounter both good and evil as they battle on the side of Aslan to save the world.  I find the description of the children’s first encounter with Aslan similar to how sometimes I feel in the presence of the Lord!  

                  People who have not been in Narnia sometimes think that a thing cannot be good and terrible at the same time.  If the children had ever thought so, they were cured of it now.  For when they tried to look at Aslan’s face they just caught a glimpse of the golden mane and the great, royal, solemn, overwhelming eyes; and then they found they couldn’t look at him and went all trembly.

Yet once they come into His presence, and He greets them, all fear is gone:

                  His voice was deep and rich and somehow took the fidgets out of them.  They now felt glad and quiet and it didn’t seem awkward to them to stand and say nothing.

Jesus is so desirous of our coming to His presence, even if we feel like we have nothing to say, or aren’t prepared, or aren’t worthy.  He just wants us to come, as we are right now. 

A third thing about the gaze of Christ: at the end of the day, it’s the only one I need to worry about.  It can be so easy for us, especially as women, to fall into the comparison game – a game which we will never win.  While it’s good to always strive to do our best, and be good stewards of what the Lord has entrusted to us, it’s also good to balance that with the truth that we are created in His image to be us, not the person next to us.  This truth about our dignity can be easier to recall when we remember that when we are looking at Christ, nothing else matters; or maybe more accurately, everything matters as it should matter, in relation to HIM.  To use another example from Narnia: when one of the children, Edmund, finds himself in the presence of Aslan (who he’d betrayed), and the White Witch (who is accusing him of this wrong he’s committed), C.S. Lewis describes it to us in this way:

                  You have a traitor there, Aslan,” said the Witch….But Edmund had got past thinking about himself….He just went on looking at Aslan.  It didn’t seem to matter what the Witch said.

This can also be a helpful image for us in coming before the Lord…no sin or event from our past (or present!) is enough to make the Lord stop looking at us with love.  He desires us to approach in confidence, and to hear the truth about ourselves from Him, and Him alone.  It can be a temptation to let our sins and imperfections hinder us from approaching Him, and this is the last thing He wants! 

So as we continue the journey through this semester, ladies, I encourage you to take a few moments throughout your day to encounter the Lord, and let Him encounter you, just as you are.  His gaze, though thoroughly penetrating, is always first and foremost a gaze of love.  He looks at each of you and says, “behold, you are VERY good.”  May this truth be for us a battle cry each day as we strive to live in this truth and the abundant life that Christ came to give us, His beloved ones.

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Sr. Anna Rose is our fearless leader here at Women's Ministry. She graduated from Franciscan with a degree in History and Theology before entering the Franciscan Sisters TOR of Penance of the Sorrowful Mother. She's in her second year of temporary vows, and her story can be found here. Sr. Anna Rose leads our Women's Ministry team with such patience and love. If you see her around campus, be sure to give her a big hug! And as always, please pray for her.

Stop Asking If Men and Women Can Be Friends

“Can men and women be friends?”

This is a question that I’ve seen circulate the Facebook and blog circles for a while now. I think it’s a question that becomes especially relevant at this time in our lives as young adult Catholic women when we begin to recognize just how deeply our feminine hearts crave masculine intimacy, and yet for many of us a romantic relationship doesn’t appear to be anywhere on the horizon. It especially becomes a question on the minds of many young women as they seek to live virtuous lives of purity, chastity, and modesty both internally and externally.

You see, this is a question I’ve been wrestling with a lot lately. I’ve read opinions on both sides of the argument (that women and men can’t be “just friends” vs. the opinion that it is healthy, normal and good for men and women to have authentic pure friendships) and I’ve discovered that it is not an easy question to answer. This is because such a question touches on many related and “controversial” topics: the nature of courtship, casual dating, flirtation and “emotional chastity” just to name a few, and all of these topics themselves exist with a vast spectrum of differing opinions.

But I’m tired of reading opinions on this matter; I’m looking for the TRUTH. I want to know where the line in the sand is drawn if for no other reason than the practicality of knowing what I need to confess when I go to the sacrament of Reconciliation. But where can I find the objective truth on this matter when the opinions of faithful Catholic people seem to be all over the place?

Well, it recently occurred to me that I needed to bring this question to prayer and ask the Lord what the answer was because I wasn’t receiving any clarity from the internet (go figure). And when I say “recently” I mean several months ago because I kept asking the Lord to answer this question and he kept giving me one response: silence. Until this week.

I was getting really frustrated with the Lord (to say the least) and so I cried out in prayer, “Jesus, why won’t you answer my question?” And you know what his response was?

“You’re not asking the right one.”

I felt instantly better now that I had an explanation for why my prayers on this matter had gone to God’s voicemail for so long, and then I remembered that I’d still like to have some clarity on this matter of men and women and friendship. So I said, “What question should I be asking, then?”

“Don’t ask whether or not men and women can be friends. Ask rather how you are called to love the men in your life.”

Because here’s the truth of the matter, ladies: We are called to love every man in our life. Period. If we keep getting preoccupied with the status of the relationship we have with men, then we’ve missed the boat entirely.

And yes, I know that there are different types of love that we can have for men. That’s why God said to me, “Ask rather how you are called to love the men in your life.” But it never should be a question of “whether or not” I am called to love them. I am.

But what does this look like practically? Well, that’s a whole different, difficult question. There’s very few “practicals” in something like the Catechism. If we want to see what practically lived and embodied holiness looks like, we usually have to look to the lives of the saints.

So you want to learn how to love? St. Maximilian Kolbe teaches us that “the Cross is the school of Love.” And what do we learn from the Cross about Love? That it is radically Passionate, radically Pure, and radically Painful.

Passionate Love

I’m currently taking an entire class on another great saint, St. Catherine of Siena, and this understanding of the school of Love being the Cross puts a beautiful context to her words when she addresses the Lord in prayer, “And what is my nature, Boundless Love? It is Fire, because you are nothing but the Fire of Love.”

Love, true Love, as it is revealed to us and embodied by God, is fiery. This is why St. Catherine of Siena is always using the language of fire and desire in her writings. She embodied a beautiful zeal for souls and passionately loved every person she came into contact with. And Catherine came into contact with many men, of all different sorts: priests, politicians, prisoners and popes. And Catherine loved them all passionately.

As Christian women we are called to love everyone in a truly passionate way, and yes, this includes the men in our lives as well. Christ desires to consume us in the passionate fire of his love on the Cross. There’s a reason we call Christ’s death “The Passion.” It’s literally the spousal consummation (i.e. passionate consuming) of Christ’s love for us. Likewise we should strive to “consume” the men around us with the blazing charity in our own hearts. What exactly does this look like? Well, in order for the passionate love in our hearts to consume the men in our life properly it also has to be a…

Pure Love

Here’s the other important thing to remember about fire: it’s purifying. Anything that is not the fire itself will be burned away in a blazing flame, and this is true of love too. The fire that should be blazing in our hearts is love and if God is Love then the Fire in our hearts is God. Anything that is not of God will be burned away if we allow Him to properly fan the flames of desire in our hearts. This means that the passionate love we must have for the men in our lives must be free from all traces of lust.

To love the men in our lives as brothers is no easy thing, even for women. While we may not tend to fixate on physical fantasies (though we are certainly not guiltless in this arena) we do tend to fixate on emotional fantasies. I am certainly not blameless in this area but I find that in moments where I catch my mind slipping if I can bring it back to the Cross, and refocus my desire there, Satan becomes powerless.

For true love doesn’t use another for my pleasure. Looking at the Cross reminds us of that. True love is not use, it is gift. And this gift of self is so far from self-seeking pleasure that it oftentimes results in the actual antithesis of pleasure: pain.

Painful Love

To love the men in our lives in a simultaneously passionate and pure way necessarily means that we are going to suffer. Holding our burning hearts in the purifying flames of love is going to be painful as we allow all that is not of God to be burned away. But Christ shows us on the Cross that the cost of love is pain.

This is a reality that the Lord definitely revealed to me this past summer when I asked Him to teach me how to love and He consequently broke my heart. And ladies, having my heart broken by the Lord hurt. I mean actual physical, emotional, and spiritual anguish. There were times when I would wake up in the middle of the night weeping heavy, salty tears in my pillow and repeating the phrase “Jesus, I trust in you” because I could not say anything else. In those moments I wasn’t even sure that I trusted in the Lord and that He had a plan for my suffering but I couldn’t allow myself to think that the sword that was piercing my heart was for nothing. And it wasn’t.

When the Lord allows hearts to be pierced it is always for some purpose. At the Crucifixion there were two hearts that were pierced: one was Jesus’ and one was Mary’s. Jesus’ heart was pierced so that he might share with us His abundance of mercy. Mary’s heart was pierced so that in it being broken open by the Lord she was able to receive not only the suffering Christ into her heart but all suffering people everywhere as well. This means that loving the men in our lives means that to encounter them it will pierce our own hearts, just as the heart of Mary was pierced as she encountered her son dying on the cross.

So we called to love the men in our lives in a passionate, pure, and painful way. How this is lived out practically with each of the men in your lives is going to be different based on the circumstances of their relationship with you. This is because at times that relationship is going to call for an emphasis on spousal love (Passion), an emphasis on fraternal love (Purity), or an emphasis on maternal love (Pain). Just remember that our feminine hearts were created to love the masculine in all of these ways and as long as we keep the Cross always before us as our school of Love, we are loving as the Lord desires us to love.

Keep courage and persevere always, my sisters, in the struggle to attain a clean heart.

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Alyssa is a Junior studying Humanities and Catholic Culture, Theology, and Philosophy. She is a native of Texas where she lives with her family in a blue-roofed house on top of a hill. She is passionate about the Truth of the Lord's Incarnation and loves spending time discovering and discussing ways in which others have incarnated the Gospel in film, history, literature, politics, and art. Her favorite saints are St. Teresa of Avila and St. Catherine of Siena because they both personify St. John Paul II's "feminine genius" in her mind.